Unspoken Conversations are the topics that are often swept under the carpet, whispered amongst the closest of friends and bitched about by many. I want to create awareness about difficult things that people face in life; grief, mental health, money, illnesses, family troubles, relationship difficulties and putting yourself first. I want to tell the truth about things that really matter.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Oh Baby; I Don't Want To Lose Myself

"I don't want to lose myself."

"Can you please give me some more information so that I can understand what's important to you?"


"What do you mean by you don't want to lose yourself?"

"Well, after years of searching I've finally found myself, you know,  who I am,  what makes me tick,  my limitations,  choices,  confidence,  voice,  love and respect and now I don't want to lose myself".

"What makes you think you'll lose yourself? "

"Well, I'm growing a precious baby,  and soon,  when that baby enters this world,  my life is going to change,  and I'm worried that between sleepless nights,  foggy eyes,  dirty nappies and devoting myself to meeting my babies needs that I'll fall into a heap of exhaustion and,  and, and that I'll begin to travel down the path of unwellness  again. "

"I see...so what's most important to you here? "

"To be a good mum and to be resilient in myself- to look after myself while also taking care of our baby. "

"And what would it look like if you could have both? "

"I'd be happy and healthy and my baby would be happy and healthy too."

"Is this a realistic expectation?"

"Mmmm...maybe not....I know that we won't always be healthy and happy, that's life, we're bound to become tired, exhausted even, and to come down with colds and things at some stage..."

"So maybe instead of thinking about being happy and healthy how else could you describe what you really want?"

"I guess I really want us both to be resilient, and that when we face tricky days when we're both still getting to know each other and we're tired and both probably crying because we don't know what each other wants, that I can remain calm, take deep breaths and remind myself that it'll all be okay".

"So I'm picking up two things that are important to you, your baby's resilience and your own resilience..."


"Can we just pretend, just for now, that you have zero control over your babies resilience, that your baby is its own person and that while you may influence that person, that you won't and can't control your baby, who do you want to be as a mum?"

"I want to be calm in adverse situations, patient, understanding, I want to have energy still for my marriage as I believe that it is the foundation for our child's wellbeing and I want to be strong and mentally fit and well in myself".

"And of all of those things, what's most important to you?"

"To keep mentally fit...but...ummm...."

"Go on...."

"Is it selfish or an unrealistic expectation to enter parenthood wanting to keep mentally fit?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Mum's  put their kids first."

"If you were thinking and putting your child first,  would that help you to get what you really want....to keep yourself mentally fit?"

"I don't know...possibly not because I'd be ignoring my needs for my babies..."

"Okay...lets think about it this way...if you were putting yourself first, who benefits from this?"

"Ummm...well...me...and my husband and, I guess, ###insert tears### my baby too".

"So what im hearing from you that being mindful of your mental fitness would help the people most important in your life...does that make you selfish?"

"I guess not..."

"Great, so would could you be doing to keep mentally fit when you have a baby?"

"I could set aside time for myself when my husband gets home from work, like run a bath to catch my breath and refocus...I could also ask for help if I was tired, or feeling a little flat..."

"Is there anything else you could be doing..."

"I guess I could always hire a cleaner or something if the housework gets too much..."

"Great, and if people don't choose to help or you couldn't afford a house cleaner then what could you be doing?"

"I could choose to affirm to myself that it's okay to be tired, it's okay not to be coping all of the time, it's okay to need some help, it's okay to be frustrated and confused and scared when you're trying something new for the first time, and I can choose to remind myself that it's okay to want to look after myself too..."

"How do you feel about using this as a little plan for you - now that after today, we've acknowledged that wanting to keep mentally fit and looking after yourself isn't selfish, and that you've just told me that you can choose to ask for help and have positive affirmations for yourself?

"I feel, A Little Calmer..."

"Is there something you still want to say or discuss?"

"#tears# what if others think I'm selfish for meeting my own needs, or thinking about myself first sometimes?"

"I can see that this is something that is worrying you...how about we use the example of giving your baby zero control again here....how about we imagine that you have zero control over what other people think and do, and that way we can explore things you could be thinking or doing...how does that sound?"

"I see, I see now, it's the same things that I'd say to myself if my baby had zero control...I'm beginning to understand that I can't control other people's thoughts and behaviors only my own..."

"Go on...."

"I can choose to be calm and resilient and I can also choose not to worry about what others think..."

"If you were choosing these things, would they get you closer to what you really want...which you've told me is to be resilient and mentally fit?"

"Yes...#tears#, I feel so much better...I don't have to lose myself when we have this baby do I?"

"What do you think?"

"No, because I can choose both, to help our baby become resilient but to also help myself to be mentally fit".

"Have we resolved what you wanted to talk about today?"

"Yes...I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest..."

"Fantastic! "

Can you tell that I've just completed new and exciting training that is teaching me techniques for counseling and and and whose first to be counseled in my life? Well, yes, it's me and yes...This is an "internal conversation with myself!"

The aim of this post was three things; to show how we can use questioning in our own minds to find out what it is that we really want, to work out what we're doing to get what we really want, to evaluate if what we're currently doing is getting us closer to what we really want, and if not, to come up with a plan to try to get closer to what we're aiming for!

The second was to show that we can't control what others think and do, we can only choose and control what we think and do....(this is tricky  to get your head around... I recommend researching William Glassers Choice Theory if you want to know more!)

And the third is to put it out there that as mums, I think it's important, if not critical, that we don't lose ourselves...

Yes...it's something that's incredibly close to my heart and something that I myself am working through myself and will take practice and understanding when our baby is born, but I'm holding onto hope and creating plans to help me to get what I really want and that's to be a good mum but to also to be a resilient and mentally fit person too....

What are your thoughts?

Have you lost yourself as a mum?

Have you found yourself as a mum?

What things have helped you to look after yourself while being a mum?

Look after yourself and those around you,

Kirsty  xxx